her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
