just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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