Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
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