We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
