When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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