you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I still have a little drunk in my system
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
