I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Randomize
