if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
It's not a walk of shame if you run
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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