We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
