I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
