1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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