Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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