Will you blow on my dice?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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