Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
