im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
