Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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