Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Randomize
