I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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