i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
