I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
