my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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