Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
