Swine flu. Run for my life!
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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