Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
