Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
