Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
