Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
