the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Randomize
