I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
