I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
so much tequila, so little girl.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
