I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize