Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
