After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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