dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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