Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
