I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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