sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
