I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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