kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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