did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
