I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
