I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
