hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
