so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
This is classic penis vs brain.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize