My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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