Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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