There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
