Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
