We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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