I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
