Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
