can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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