when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
