I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Randomize
