True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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