His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
