Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
